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frogmajickI am cutting this and I am going to ask, kindly and gently, anyone who might yet have more babies, please don't read this. I've never told my birth story to a single expectant mother because it's awful and I won't put that in a woman's head.
In all my processing, I've been grappling with motherhood and kids. My feelings about my oldest. Why there's such resentment. I've decentered motherhood for 6 weeks and I am happy with that.
Last night I saw a tiktok about an Equadorian birthing room. I shared it with a comment "I'd have liked this. I bit my mother". And I did.
I remember Saturday night/ Sunday morning I was in the bath tub and I hadn't actually slept for 2 days. I finally called the hospital to ask for help sleeping. I was already 42 weeks and my dr wouldn't induce me, nor have anyone in his office do it. I didn't realize it, but it was back labor keeping me awake.
I went to the hospital Sunday morning and they put me in some shitty room, not a birthing room like I'd been shown on my tour. Just some shitty hospital room. I remember it was awful, walking and rocking and suffering. At one point a dr came in and said he was going to give me a "rough exam to stimulate labor" then shoved his whole hand in me and made me scream so loud Cody told him to get out and if he came back he'd put him through the wall. He never came back.
I know Renee came and brought Cody a burger, but they wouldn't let me eat. "In case I needed a csxn".
They gave me an epidural, attempted to, but no one knew my spine was broken and damaged, so they just kept shoving the needle into my bones. It broke twice then they did a spinal and I screamed in a way I have never screamed before. And then my legs were numb, the pain stopped and I slept.
This shit went on from Sunday to Tuesday. Almost the whole time there was this wrinkly old bitch of a nurse with orange nails and my mom called her a battleaxe every time she left the room. She was so fucking mean.
Tuesday morning, the doctor still wasn't there, but I was FINALLY progressing and so tired. So tired. But they kept making me push and at some point I turned my head and bit my mom and she put a washrag in my mouth. That was when they told me to stop pushing. FYI you can't just stop.
I delivered her head and her shoulders got stuck and they didn't even want to let me push because NO doctor was there, and then I laid there involuntarily pushing with the contractions while her shoulders were trapped in my pelvis for 5 minutes while they scrambled for any doctor and she was choking to death, and when he got there, rather than forceps he just reached his hand into me along with her to pull her out like livestock. He actually said "LIKE A CALF". She was so overdue she had meconium in her lungs. She was 9lb2oz and 21 inches long.
When I had my son, my OBGYN (currently being sued for malpractice for a bad VBAC) and the 2nd surgeon came to go over my records and asked me and Cody why we didn't sue and told me my records detail a birth they call "Botched". He was a planned csxn and it was delightful.
It took 48 hours. I should have had a csxn for her, but my doctor was nowhere to be found and he came in late like that. Why there was literally no other OB available, I don't know. Why they let me labor that long, I don't know. Why they didn't do a csxn, I don't know.
Why, once she was born, I said "I don't want it. Give her to her father" and I rolled over to sleep? I think I know.
I genuinely NEVER wanted children. Shelly thinks that that's been an undercurrent between Lichen and I my whole life. If I was steeped in amniotic grief, my first was steeped in amniotic resentment. And of course I love her. Both can be true.
THAT is the sort of shit I'm processing
In all my processing, I've been grappling with motherhood and kids. My feelings about my oldest. Why there's such resentment. I've decentered motherhood for 6 weeks and I am happy with that.
Last night I saw a tiktok about an Equadorian birthing room. I shared it with a comment "I'd have liked this. I bit my mother". And I did.
I remember Saturday night/ Sunday morning I was in the bath tub and I hadn't actually slept for 2 days. I finally called the hospital to ask for help sleeping. I was already 42 weeks and my dr wouldn't induce me, nor have anyone in his office do it. I didn't realize it, but it was back labor keeping me awake.
I went to the hospital Sunday morning and they put me in some shitty room, not a birthing room like I'd been shown on my tour. Just some shitty hospital room. I remember it was awful, walking and rocking and suffering. At one point a dr came in and said he was going to give me a "rough exam to stimulate labor" then shoved his whole hand in me and made me scream so loud Cody told him to get out and if he came back he'd put him through the wall. He never came back.
I know Renee came and brought Cody a burger, but they wouldn't let me eat. "In case I needed a csxn".
They gave me an epidural, attempted to, but no one knew my spine was broken and damaged, so they just kept shoving the needle into my bones. It broke twice then they did a spinal and I screamed in a way I have never screamed before. And then my legs were numb, the pain stopped and I slept.
This shit went on from Sunday to Tuesday. Almost the whole time there was this wrinkly old bitch of a nurse with orange nails and my mom called her a battleaxe every time she left the room. She was so fucking mean.
Tuesday morning, the doctor still wasn't there, but I was FINALLY progressing and so tired. So tired. But they kept making me push and at some point I turned my head and bit my mom and she put a washrag in my mouth. That was when they told me to stop pushing. FYI you can't just stop.
I delivered her head and her shoulders got stuck and they didn't even want to let me push because NO doctor was there, and then I laid there involuntarily pushing with the contractions while her shoulders were trapped in my pelvis for 5 minutes while they scrambled for any doctor and she was choking to death, and when he got there, rather than forceps he just reached his hand into me along with her to pull her out like livestock. He actually said "LIKE A CALF". She was so overdue she had meconium in her lungs. She was 9lb2oz and 21 inches long.
When I had my son, my OBGYN (currently being sued for malpractice for a bad VBAC) and the 2nd surgeon came to go over my records and asked me and Cody why we didn't sue and told me my records detail a birth they call "Botched". He was a planned csxn and it was delightful.
It took 48 hours. I should have had a csxn for her, but my doctor was nowhere to be found and he came in late like that. Why there was literally no other OB available, I don't know. Why they let me labor that long, I don't know. Why they didn't do a csxn, I don't know.
Why, once she was born, I said "I don't want it. Give her to her father" and I rolled over to sleep? I think I know.
I genuinely NEVER wanted children. Shelly thinks that that's been an undercurrent between Lichen and I my whole life. If I was steeped in amniotic grief, my first was steeped in amniotic resentment. And of course I love her. Both can be true.
THAT is the sort of shit I'm processing