End of 2020
Dec. 30th, 2020 06:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
frogmajickI have so many things to work through. You can move on.
So my body sucks. In 2015 I had a spinal fusion and that stopped the unbearable pain and inability to walk. After that I felt great for a while.
But then I started drinking after the election in 2017 and boy howdy what an alcoholic I became so fast. I'm a lifetime smoker and I was hella dependent on opioids, contributing my part to the crisis. So, y'know, addictive personality, which I've always been aware of I guess.
So I've been in steady decline. I bitch about my health to anyone who will listen because that's what old people do. But no matter how much I complain, I don't really cough up details.
I hurt all over all the time to the point I suspected fibromyalgia. I can't eat because I have zero appetite and usually the smell makes me nauseous, I puke daily, I always have diarrhea, I have big memory problems, fatigue is not a strong enough word for the exhaustion I feel 24/7. I can't sleep more than 4 hours. I shit my pants, pee myself all the time, and I bruise really really bad. Like people would assume DV for as bad as I look under my clothes. Last night I ripped off a hangnail and bled through 4 bandaids. And I am always, always, always cold.
Since August I've been going to doctors like every week for tests and scans and appointments. One doc drew 7 vials of blood, another drew 4. I had a contrast CT which found non alcoholic fatty liver disease and cirrhosis, and now I have the guilt that my drinking did it, but Doc says I probably had it before, it's super common for diabetics. In fact, they think most people have it to some degree because of our shitty processed American diets. Blood work shows I have autoimmune hepatitis, so maybe the alcohol isn't to blame, but it sure didn't help. Blood tests also show I have hella low platelets. Like normal is idk like 200 and mine's 80. So that explains the bruising and bleeding.
There's nothing I can do. I've been freaking out for a couple weeks that I'd find out I was terminal or needed a liver transplant, but thank god I don't. I've been in a really really dark place waiting for the results.
I can't do anything about it. I mean, lose 22lb, no drinking, better diet, exercise, but that's just to keep it in stasis. I got some minor bupleurum and some milk thistle supplements. Hopefully they'll help.
Mostly what helps is thc. I get edibles and they make me not hurt, I can think, I feel joy, I can eat (!), and I just generally feel better. I don't take enough to get high. But because of cigs, booze, and vicodin I've just come to terms that now I'm a weed addict. I don't' care if it's 'medicinal' and I fucking need it to eat and function. If that's the criteria, I'm addicted to my antipsychotics, too. I've been broke as a joke so I haven't had any for 2 days and I want to curl up like a dead spider. I hadn't eaten for about 40 hours so I made some rice and onions because I knew I needed to eat something, so I forced about 1/3 cup into me and then I just couldn't eat anymore.
People ask me how I lost 80lb this year and they laugh when I say I stopped eating. But for real, I fucking quit eating because I can't. I tried tracking food on myfitnesspal but it just screams at you if you don't eat 1000 calories and I never eat 1000 unless maybe I go get a burger and fries with Jake and eat part.
So I guess this is my life now. Sick and sore and sad. And I feel like I don't have anyone to tell all this stuff to. Cody and Jake see it, but I don't think they understand. I tell Rachel everything but I haven't really voiced my concerns about how bad I am, mostly because she's really bad off and 'it's not a competition haha". I can't tell my mom because she'll be sick with worry. And I don't have anyone at work close enough that I'd spill all this. And I'm certainly not telling Jake and Lichen because, again, like mom, they'd worry. Jake would worry a lot. So I keep all this inside me and I ust want to cry all the time and never stop.
So my body sucks. In 2015 I had a spinal fusion and that stopped the unbearable pain and inability to walk. After that I felt great for a while.
But then I started drinking after the election in 2017 and boy howdy what an alcoholic I became so fast. I'm a lifetime smoker and I was hella dependent on opioids, contributing my part to the crisis. So, y'know, addictive personality, which I've always been aware of I guess.
So I've been in steady decline. I bitch about my health to anyone who will listen because that's what old people do. But no matter how much I complain, I don't really cough up details.
I hurt all over all the time to the point I suspected fibromyalgia. I can't eat because I have zero appetite and usually the smell makes me nauseous, I puke daily, I always have diarrhea, I have big memory problems, fatigue is not a strong enough word for the exhaustion I feel 24/7. I can't sleep more than 4 hours. I shit my pants, pee myself all the time, and I bruise really really bad. Like people would assume DV for as bad as I look under my clothes. Last night I ripped off a hangnail and bled through 4 bandaids. And I am always, always, always cold.
Since August I've been going to doctors like every week for tests and scans and appointments. One doc drew 7 vials of blood, another drew 4. I had a contrast CT which found non alcoholic fatty liver disease and cirrhosis, and now I have the guilt that my drinking did it, but Doc says I probably had it before, it's super common for diabetics. In fact, they think most people have it to some degree because of our shitty processed American diets. Blood work shows I have autoimmune hepatitis, so maybe the alcohol isn't to blame, but it sure didn't help. Blood tests also show I have hella low platelets. Like normal is idk like 200 and mine's 80. So that explains the bruising and bleeding.
There's nothing I can do. I've been freaking out for a couple weeks that I'd find out I was terminal or needed a liver transplant, but thank god I don't. I've been in a really really dark place waiting for the results.
I can't do anything about it. I mean, lose 22lb, no drinking, better diet, exercise, but that's just to keep it in stasis. I got some minor bupleurum and some milk thistle supplements. Hopefully they'll help.
Mostly what helps is thc. I get edibles and they make me not hurt, I can think, I feel joy, I can eat (!), and I just generally feel better. I don't take enough to get high. But because of cigs, booze, and vicodin I've just come to terms that now I'm a weed addict. I don't' care if it's 'medicinal' and I fucking need it to eat and function. If that's the criteria, I'm addicted to my antipsychotics, too. I've been broke as a joke so I haven't had any for 2 days and I want to curl up like a dead spider. I hadn't eaten for about 40 hours so I made some rice and onions because I knew I needed to eat something, so I forced about 1/3 cup into me and then I just couldn't eat anymore.
People ask me how I lost 80lb this year and they laugh when I say I stopped eating. But for real, I fucking quit eating because I can't. I tried tracking food on myfitnesspal but it just screams at you if you don't eat 1000 calories and I never eat 1000 unless maybe I go get a burger and fries with Jake and eat part.
So I guess this is my life now. Sick and sore and sad. And I feel like I don't have anyone to tell all this stuff to. Cody and Jake see it, but I don't think they understand. I tell Rachel everything but I haven't really voiced my concerns about how bad I am, mostly because she's really bad off and 'it's not a competition haha". I can't tell my mom because she'll be sick with worry. And I don't have anyone at work close enough that I'd spill all this. And I'm certainly not telling Jake and Lichen because, again, like mom, they'd worry. Jake would worry a lot. So I keep all this inside me and I ust want to cry all the time and never stop.