Let Go Or Be Dragged

3rd submission for the Dorothy Day Labor Forum Monthly

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 06:01:01 GMT

The Shape of Solidarity
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1. The Real Story of Rosie the Riveter: Propaganda and Labor Rights
2. Rebuilding After Slavery: Reconstruction-Era Labor Justice and Its Living Legacy

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Birth

Sat, 15 Jun 2024 03:35:12 GMT

I am cutting this and I am going to ask, kindly and gently, anyone who might yet have more babies, please don't read this. I've never told my birth story to a single expectant mother because it's awful and I won't put that in a woman's head.
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Tue, 15 Feb 2022 06:23:23 GMT

I dyed my hair pink. I've always wanted to go ALL a vibrant color. I've had green and blue and pink and orange, but only streaks and chunks. This time we bleached it all and it is HOT pink. I've had it 2 days and everyone thinks I did it for cancer so I'm letting them believe that. I only hear words of encouragement and support. OMG all the love.

I'm honestly not trying to be cynical( Read more... )

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25th Anniversary

Fri, 11 Feb 2022 02:48:05 GMT

Cody and I have been married 25 years today. Big milestone.

It has been a wonderful day.

Cody got me a sewing machine that is the model I learned to sew on in home ec at Pioneer Jr High. Now that I'll have 2 that work, Jake and I are going to take over the dining room table and sew quilt blocks. I also bought myself $12 of Hot Garbage from Swanson's fabrics so we will see what I get and what we can do with it.

Swanson's is a 2nd hand fabric shop and their Hot Garbage is fabric decent for quilting, but it's scrap. Everything is a yard or less and it's sold by the pound. She also puts together collections, there's notions, it's just cool.

I got a bunch of grown up business taken care of with money stuff.
-As of the 19th I will be debt free. I've been going through a consolidation and this month is my last month.
-I spoke with the union about the merger.
-I talked to my insurance.
-I talked to multicare and found out my bill and got the paperwork sent for financial help paying what insurance didn't cover.
-I helped Jake make a doctor's appointment and a dentist appointment. This boy just told me he's had an ingrown toenail for basically 6 years and just never said anything. Jesus fucking christ, he will never survive in the wild.

Cody and I had some good chat and snuggles and we had Teegan who played Lego Incredibles with Cody for a few hours. And now it's time for pizza. We got Papa Murphy's with my 35% off coupon and once it's cooked we're going to watch The Hitman's Bodyguard. Cody swears it's funny.

Happy anniversary for me. I'm really glad I'm here for it.

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Wed, 09 Feb 2022 01:24:05 GMT

I need fucking therapy for medical ptsd

I went to see my gastroenterologist today and she wants me to have an endoscopy, then an MRI and probably a biopsy. I am honestly to a point where I simply don't give a fuck. I don't want to know. I don't want to do these tests. I don't want dire outcomes. I don't want more surgery. I don't want more contemplating death. I don't want a liver transplant. I just don't want to fucking know.

Anyway, the second she said Biopsy, I fucking seized up. In my head biopsy=cancer. I don't want to have liver cancer. Like, honest to god, I'd rather not fucking know.

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Sat, 05 Feb 2022 10:12:25 GMT

Could we get a fucking break? Could nothing happen for like...a while?

Lichen went in to the obgyn for her check up and casually mentioned she's been spontaneously lactating. Odd for someone 5 years out from having a baby and someone with an IUD. So she tells the dr and the dr does some stuff then orders some blood tests and a couple scans.

Because the #1 reason for spontaneous lactation is a brain tumor.

A benign brain tumor, but it's still a fucking brain tumor. You can't just have shit growing willy nilly in your brain.

I genuinely cannot take much more. In the last year I've lost 2 nephews, been forced to move, had cancer and surgery, and now my daughter might have a brain tumor. I just really need everything o just stop for a fucking minute.

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fake titties

Fri, 04 Feb 2022 03:09:54 GMT

Yesterday I got a prescription for my camisole and soft inserts. I still need the compression.

When I tell you this thing looks awful. This thing looks awful. The "puffs" are just circles of batting inside a nylon bag, and they go into this formed bralet inside a tight tank top cami. The puffs look ridiculous, they're too small and look exactly like you'd imagine 2 pillows inside a man's shirt would look. But if I don't wear them, the bralet is formed enough that the panel wads up and gets all wrinkeld and looks awful. I hate it and I don't want to wear it. I'm going to buy something on amadong.

I found out in March I'll get another prescription for prosthetic breasts and bra. In fact, insurance covers 2 bras every 6 months and a new set of prostheses every 2 years.

I get it that I am an absolute freak not feeling like I'm missing part of myself, not grieving this loss of fat, but I do not feel negatively impacted. I feel fucking sexy. I love how it feels, I'm meh on how it looks naked, but I love how it looks in clothes. I feel good. I feel strong.

And part of me is fucking livid at this social norm that says for some reason even titless I need to wear a fucking bra. From now on when I teach and I start a class with the 'what is a woman' question, the only right answer will be 'whatever person is wearing the most uncomfortable underwear". I mean it's just bullshit.

I am literally only going to get this initial pair and a bra to wear them in because I have 1 dress that would look better with tit-shape. Well, I might get my prescribed bras and donate them. If insurance is paying for them, and I'm paying for insurance, I might as well, right

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Open Client

Thu, 03 Feb 2022 03:27:16 GMT

Today I left the house and went to the store and the other store and the salon and the coffee place and generally interacted in public.

I was not wearing a bra.

It is the first time I have been in public without a bra on since 7th grade. I felt fucking naked and vulnerable and also like I had a very powerful secret.

Oddly enough, I still have cleavage.

* * *

Today I got my prescription for my "soft prosthetic camisole" and I'm so upset. Like, I have no tits and I still have to wear a fucking BRA and have TITS?! I'm offended.

* * *
I'm so scared Cody is going to die. He's sick, he keeps getting sick, and he won't go to the doctor because he's gone twice and one told him to eat less sugar and one put him on a diuretic. Useless. Every 2 to 3 month he is overcome by chills, but no fever. He gets weak and shaky and disoriented. His leg swells up like twice the size. I think it looks like cellulitis, personally. He takes to bed and sometimes its 3 or 4 days before he's feeling ok. This has been happening on and off for years and years, but like once a year, maybe less. Now it's almost like clockwork, every couple months. He's been told the swollen leg could be congestive heart failure, but he's also got a fucked up heart valve. He's fat and inactive. I'm terrified he's going to become very ill or die.

And on top of that, we went out today to the thrift store and I didn't realize- I knew, I just didn't grasp- how bad Cody is about going out in public. He's never gone many places, and I know new places make him anxious, but today. Today I realized the list of places Cody will willingly go is very small. He will take me to the doctor, Safeway, Yoke's, Mitchel's, Grocery Outlet, BiMart, Ace Hardware, and Les Scwab (but won't go inside). I suggested food, he agreed to Zip's. I had to pee so we went inside and he was vibrating to get out. I put my straw in my drink and he freaked out about taking my mask off in the restaurant to take a sip. Like, I know he has had anxiety for years, but this is...man, he's not coming out of the panini ok.

* * *

Tomorrow I go see my rheumatologist for I don't know what. He's never done anything before and is kind of a dick, but I'll go, then go in and get my fake titties. And then I have a few days before I go see MORE doctors. Ugh

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16 days

Sat, 22 Jan 2022 03:26:15 GMT

Today I got my drain tubes out. I am sore, I'm very tender and bruised, but overall I feel good. I'm so glad to have the drains out. I'm tired of being tugged and pinched and pulled and I'm tired of taking care of them. But now they're out. I still have to wear the compression bra, but I can flop around in my bed without the fear of tearing tubing out of my chest.

I had to suck it up and ask for money. I can get some of my bills written off through Multicare, but not all my bills are through them. And I put in for paid time off and its still pending.

If you feel so inclined, everything's going to keep the power on and the rent paid and whatever's left is going to doctors.

Cashapp is $Ranashanana
Venmo is @ smcorrick
Zelle is Frogmajick@gmail.com

My cousin thinks I need to write a book about this whole experience. If I'm going to do it, I need to do it now while I still find some of this shit funny and not awful.

Right now my reflection on the whole thing begins and ends with the understanding that I absolutely could not survive the shit I do if I didn't have Cody beside me 100% of the way. I love this man so much. He is my best friend. My other half. We share a brain and a heart and sometimes, a single brain cell.

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9 days

Sat, 15 Jan 2022 04:54:04 GMT

It's been nine days and I'm healing well. My drains have stopped being blood and are now super gross peachy color, but thank god it's not very much. Hopefully Monday or Tuesday I can get them out. I got to take a shower and it was the most wonderful thing.

I still feel absolutely beautiful.

I am not a fan of the home nurses. I am not a fan of people in my house. No sir, I don't like it.

Mostly, I'm tired. I'm tired and bored and just sore enough that I can't do anything fun. And I can't drive, which I fucking hate.

Soon enough we'll be through it and out the other end.

I was just thinking about how lucky I am that I got this done right here at the beginning of the omicron apocalypse. There were nurses and equipment and limited covid exposure. I'm honestly scared I'm going to get covid while I'm trying to recover. In 9 days I've been to the grocery store, the weed shop, the coffee shop, and doctors doctors doctors.

I also haven't smoked in nine days, so that's great. I haven't quit smoking as much as stopped smoking. If you've never smoked I can't tell you the difference. Basically, stopping smoking is just not putting one to your mouth every single day. Quitting is when you're done and walk away. I feel like all I need is one shitty excuse and I'll start again. Maybe the longer I'm done, the easier that will be. Actually, it'll be pretty easy because I don't got any fucking money.

Cody's talking about getting some WFH job. I'm considering selling pictures of my feet. The only good thing about being so fucking poor is that all my medical bills will probably be written off. Yay?

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Saturday after

Sat, 08 Jan 2022 23:18:47 GMT

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ANYway I have tons of pix and while I'm not going to post them on the internet, I am absolutely willing to share. If you'd like to see the incision, I have a pic of my bare chest, even. It's not gross and if you've got some morbid curiosity, hmu on Discord. Shan#0870

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Tuesday before

Tue, 04 Jan 2022 23:36:34 GMT

CW: cancer and sadness

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Cody

Thu, 30 Dec 2021 13:57:07 GMT

In 1987 when I was 14 I went on a date with Ogre. It was our first date. I don't remember what we did except creep around the steam plant at Riverfront park back when it was first being built. But I do remember we walked around downtown and he suggested we go see if his friend Cody was home. He lived at The Vradenberg apartments and I had never seen an apartment, so I was hype to go. Ogre really made Cody sound cool. He was 21 I think, or maybe still 20. Anyway, all I heard was how cool he was and roleplaying and comics and witchcraft and combat and all the things that boys do that impress other boys, and by the time we knocked on his door the man I met could in no way compete with this iconic-wizard-airbrushed-on-a-van version of this man I had in my head. I was infatuated. I was impressed. He was a man of mystery. It's entirely Ogre's fault for building him up.

And he wasn't home.

So we walked up the hill to Ogre's folk's and I think we watched Strange Brew and I made my mom pick me up in her old blue Citation that you could hear a block away.

And time passed and it was maybe a year later, right at the start of summer break, that Ogre took me on another date. We went to pizza and his friends Cody and Suzie were going to join us. We had a great time. Suzie fronted Ogre the money (and to my knowledge he still owes her this AND she still remembers) and after we ate, we got in Suzie's monster piece of American Heavy Metal and went where all healthy, well adjusted people go.

To the cemetery.

We were there late, talking about deep shit that children think. We looked at the stars, and I took Cody to my dad's grave. We talked and talked and finally Suzie took us all home.

That was June of 1988.

I have been in love with this man for 33 years. I literally cannot imagine my life without him.

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Christmas

Sun, 26 Dec 2021 01:58:24 GMT

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Open Client for daayzzz

Sun, 12 Dec 2021 18:22:55 GMT

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Thu, 02 Dec 2021 11:49:52 GMT

Work is insane. How is there always so much? I know why, sometimes it's just exhausting.

My surgery s scheduled for January 6.

I'm so ready for a vacation. Whatever the reason

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birthday presents

Tue, 30 Nov 2021 23:57:11 GMT

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Open Client

Mon, 29 Nov 2021 16:54:40 GMT

I forgot to hit post lol

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Selfie

Sat, 27 Nov 2021 22:39:42 GMT

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thanksgiving

Fri, 26 Nov 2021 01:27:31 GMT

I slept 11 hours and woke up and sarted cleaning. My friend Shelly said I could borrow her vacuum because mine died, so I ran out to her house and visited for an hour or so. Her dog Whiskey climbed up on me and wouldn't leave. He's a therapy dog so as soon as he settled in, nd he is not a small dog, Shelly looks at me and goes "So, how are you really doing?" So I cried a whole big bunch because I just can't stop thinking about cancer and then I got to thinking about my gram and the last thanksgiving and she KNEW it was her last holiday and it's just fucking depressing. She gave me a weed lemonade so I came home with the vacuum and proceeded to be fucking stoned all day as we got ready.

All the kids are here, my 2 plus Eli the boyfriend and Alex Jake's bff. We said fuck tradition and just made pizzas from scratch and they were fucking delicious but I wish I had an actual pizza stone. The dough wasn't coming together because Cody didn't follow the instructions then had the balls to get pissed off. It's not a holiday unless someone's mad or someone goes to the hospital istg

The house is a thousand degrees. I need to lay down and go to sleep to work tonight but I was stupid and drank coffee when Lichen got here so I'm wide the fuck awake.

I can report getting away from Facebook is hard. I need to just delete the app. I'm still using messenger because it's fucking convenient, but I haven't checked in in 2 days and I feel terribly terribly disconnected from people, but then I think about how little personal stuff people post and I realize I can get memes and shitposts from other places. Also, I feel a lot more free just puking all my thoughts here because I know no one reads it. Who even is using Dreamwidth? Like 3 people. So it's a really safe place for me to just process my shit.

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Open Client

Thu, 25 Nov 2021 02:19:47 GMT

I used to do this thing where I had the semagic client open on my computer all day and I'd just type all my shit into it. A lot of the stuff I think is nothing i want to share on twitter and I've decided to back away from Facebook. But I still have a lot of shit going on so I think I'm going to start doing it again. Warning, these can get long and are random. Beware, traveler
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more cancer shit

Tue, 23 Nov 2021 00:27:51 GMT

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kids

Sun, 14 Nov 2021 03:39:17 GMT

Talking to an old old friend it occurred to me I haven't posted pix of the kids here in forever so I'm going to make you all feel old.

Lichen (24), Jake/Jesse(20), and Teegan (5), Lichen's son
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so youve got cancer

Sat, 13 Nov 2021 17:48:54 GMT

October 1 I had a mammogram that turned into another mammogram, a biopsy, and a diagnosis. I have ductal carcinoma in situ. In the scope of cancers, it's not a bad cancer. Like that makes any difference.

Since October 15 I've been fucking depressed. Everyone's so sympathetic and it makes me uncomfortable. People are buying me shit, which makes me uncomfortable. I have gone to the doctor of some sort every week. I go to have an MRI on Monday, one month exactly from finding the lump.

After the MRI I'll talk to my surgeon and set up a mastectomy and get the problem taken care of.

Pretty much sounds like I have my shit together, right?

Except I'm scared shitless. This will be my second anesthesia in a year, 4th in my life. I'm scared this time I won't wake up. I'm upset I am cutting a part of myself off to save my life. I've always hated my boobs and now I can't stop looking at them. Trying to see what I'll look like without them.

A friend's brother died suddenly and she sent us some clothes for Jake. And it made me think about what Cody would do with my things if I died. Who would get my sewing machine. Who would take my barbies. And my clothes.

I'm scared I would be the 0.000000000000000000001 person to have such a wussybaby cancer metastasize, but that's on my mind, too.

I cry a lot. Much more than anyone knows. It's kind of weird though because it's definitely "i don't want to do this" crying and not "oh poor me why me" crying. Why me? Probably because I lived in farm country in the 70's. It's depressing to think this is probably My First Cancer. I just really don't want to do this. Oh, how retail has trained me for this very moment.

Half the people at work don't even know.

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Tue, 24 Aug 2021 00:41:34 GMT

CW: Body stuff, specifically I hate it

So I've lost 100lb. Rah rah hurray, I'd be happier if it wasn't because I'm fucking sick.

100lbs ago I didn't like my body, but I was ok with it. I was soft, and I was comfortable.

Now? My face thinned out and I'm wrinkly. My skin feels old. I have a neck waddle. My stomach is deflated and puckery. My arms are just as big but now flabby as fuck with residual fat and skin. The inside of my thighs looks like I'm 80.

I love what my body can do now. I moved all last weekend and going up and down stairs a million times and my legs never even got quivery. Never were sore. Tired, yeah, but not sore. I can fit in narrow places better, which is good because the bathroom is super narrow. My joints, in general, hurt less. I haven't had to wear my knee brace in idk how long.

But the way I look. My belly is 4 lobes. I look like a sow. Boobs, lobes lobes. And they draw in in the middle so when I sit it's like having another butt.

I do not feel attractive naked. I don't want to see myself, which fuck me, the new house has a giant mirror right across from the shower and the fan's good enough it doesn't fog up.

I have no idea what to do about this, either, because I look like I've melted. I have skin everywhere. No amount of gym is going to make my skin fit 100lb less.

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