I am cutting this and I am going to ask, kindly and gently, anyone who might yet have more babies, please don't read this. I've never told my birth story to a single expectant mother because it's awful and I won't put that in a woman's head.
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Cody and I have been married 25 years today. Big milestone.

It has been a wonderful day.

Cody got me a sewing machine that is the model I learned to sew on in home ec at Pioneer Jr High. Now that I'll have 2 that work, Jake and I are going to take over the dining room table and sew quilt blocks. I also bought myself $12 of Hot Garbage from Swanson's fabrics so we will see what I get and what we can do with it.

Swanson's is a 2nd hand fabric shop and their Hot Garbage is fabric decent for quilting, but it's scrap. Everything is a yard or less and it's sold by the pound. She also puts together collections, there's notions, it's just cool.

I got a bunch of grown up business taken care of with money stuff.
-As of the 19th I will be debt free. I've been going through a consolidation and this month is my last month.
-I spoke with the union about the merger.
-I talked to my insurance.
-I talked to multicare and found out my bill and got the paperwork sent for financial help paying what insurance didn't cover.
-I helped Jake make a doctor's appointment and a dentist appointment. This boy just told me he's had an ingrown toenail for basically 6 years and just never said anything. Jesus fucking christ, he will never survive in the wild.

Cody and I had some good chat and snuggles and we had Teegan who played Lego Incredibles with Cody for a few hours. And now it's time for pizza. We got Papa Murphy's with my 35% off coupon and once it's cooked we're going to watch The Hitman's Bodyguard. Cody swears it's funny.

Happy anniversary for me. I'm really glad I'm here for it.

Could we get a fucking break? Could nothing happen for like...a while?

Lichen went in to the obgyn for her check up and casually mentioned she's been spontaneously lactating. Odd for someone 5 years out from having a baby and someone with an IUD. So she tells the dr and the dr does some stuff then orders some blood tests and a couple scans.

Because the #1 reason for spontaneous lactation is a brain tumor.

A benign brain tumor, but it's still a fucking brain tumor. You can't just have shit growing willy nilly in your brain.

I genuinely cannot take much more. In the last year I've lost 2 nephews, been forced to move, had cancer and surgery, and now my daughter might have a brain tumor. I just really need everything o just stop for a fucking minute.

Today I left the house and went to the store and the other store and the salon and the coffee place and generally interacted in public.

I was not wearing a bra.

It is the first time I have been in public without a bra on since 7th grade. I felt fucking naked and vulnerable and also like I had a very powerful secret.

Oddly enough, I still have cleavage.

* * *

Today I got my prescription for my "soft prosthetic camisole" and I'm so upset. Like, I have no tits and I still have to wear a fucking BRA and have TITS?! I'm offended.

* * *
I'm so scared Cody is going to die. He's sick, he keeps getting sick, and he won't go to the doctor because he's gone twice and one told him to eat less sugar and one put him on a diuretic. Useless. Every 2 to 3 month he is overcome by chills, but no fever. He gets weak and shaky and disoriented. His leg swells up like twice the size. I think it looks like cellulitis, personally. He takes to bed and sometimes its 3 or 4 days before he's feeling ok. This has been happening on and off for years and years, but like once a year, maybe less. Now it's almost like clockwork, every couple months. He's been told the swollen leg could be congestive heart failure, but he's also got a fucked up heart valve. He's fat and inactive. I'm terrified he's going to become very ill or die.

And on top of that, we went out today to the thrift store and I didn't realize- I knew, I just didn't grasp- how bad Cody is about going out in public. He's never gone many places, and I know new places make him anxious, but today. Today I realized the list of places Cody will willingly go is very small. He will take me to the doctor, Safeway, Yoke's, Mitchel's, Grocery Outlet, BiMart, Ace Hardware, and Les Scwab (but won't go inside). I suggested food, he agreed to Zip's. I had to pee so we went inside and he was vibrating to get out. I put my straw in my drink and he freaked out about taking my mask off in the restaurant to take a sip. Like, I know he has had anxiety for years, but this is...man, he's not coming out of the panini ok.

* * *

Tomorrow I go see my rheumatologist for I don't know what. He's never done anything before and is kind of a dick, but I'll go, then go in and get my fake titties. And then I have a few days before I go see MORE doctors. Ugh

It's been nine days and I'm healing well. My drains have stopped being blood and are now super gross peachy color, but thank god it's not very much. Hopefully Monday or Tuesday I can get them out. I got to take a shower and it was the most wonderful thing.

I still feel absolutely beautiful.

I am not a fan of the home nurses. I am not a fan of people in my house. No sir, I don't like it.

Mostly, I'm tired. I'm tired and bored and just sore enough that I can't do anything fun. And I can't drive, which I fucking hate.

Soon enough we'll be through it and out the other end.

I was just thinking about how lucky I am that I got this done right here at the beginning of the omicron apocalypse. There were nurses and equipment and limited covid exposure. I'm honestly scared I'm going to get covid while I'm trying to recover. In 9 days I've been to the grocery store, the weed shop, the coffee shop, and doctors doctors doctors.

I also haven't smoked in nine days, so that's great. I haven't quit smoking as much as stopped smoking. If you've never smoked I can't tell you the difference. Basically, stopping smoking is just not putting one to your mouth every single day. Quitting is when you're done and walk away. I feel like all I need is one shitty excuse and I'll start again. Maybe the longer I'm done, the easier that will be. Actually, it'll be pretty easy because I don't got any fucking money.

Cody's talking about getting some WFH job. I'm considering selling pictures of my feet. The only good thing about being so fucking poor is that all my medical bills will probably be written off. Yay?

CW: cancer and sadness

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Work is insane. How is there always so much? I know why, sometimes it's just exhausting.

My surgery s scheduled for January 6.

I'm so ready for a vacation. Whatever the reason

I forgot to hit post lol

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I slept 11 hours and woke up and sarted cleaning. My friend Shelly said I could borrow her vacuum because mine died, so I ran out to her house and visited for an hour or so. Her dog Whiskey climbed up on me and wouldn't leave. He's a therapy dog so as soon as he settled in, nd he is not a small dog, Shelly looks at me and goes "So, how are you really doing?" So I cried a whole big bunch because I just can't stop thinking about cancer and then I got to thinking about my gram and the last thanksgiving and she KNEW it was her last holiday and it's just fucking depressing. She gave me a weed lemonade so I came home with the vacuum and proceeded to be fucking stoned all day as we got ready.

All the kids are here, my 2 plus Eli the boyfriend and Alex Jake's bff. We said fuck tradition and just made pizzas from scratch and they were fucking delicious but I wish I had an actual pizza stone. The dough wasn't coming together because Cody didn't follow the instructions then had the balls to get pissed off. It's not a holiday unless someone's mad or someone goes to the hospital istg

The house is a thousand degrees. I need to lay down and go to sleep to work tonight but I was stupid and drank coffee when Lichen got here so I'm wide the fuck awake.

I can report getting away from Facebook is hard. I need to just delete the app. I'm still using messenger because it's fucking convenient, but I haven't checked in in 2 days and I feel terribly terribly disconnected from people, but then I think about how little personal stuff people post and I realize I can get memes and shitposts from other places. Also, I feel a lot more free just puking all my thoughts here because I know no one reads it. Who even is using Dreamwidth? Like 3 people. So it's a really safe place for me to just process my shit.